ilhu scout impromptu intervention

re: title
7 february 2009
lab synthese

i've been working on my first badge, to be completed saturday night.
in similar vein to js' pandapple badge, only a little less called for.
i made this for last year's xiu xiu show, for js' call for pandapple paraphernalia. i couldn't find any, so i made a badge.



little did i know at the time that it was going to be terribly helpful for a future self.
here is the blindoldfreak one.



it's on the wonky side, and pretty small, you can tell by the weave of the aida. backstitch onto grey felt for colour power.

the artervention. an experiment in extraversion.
or, me just being really annoying

heather as mel.

i can light an alter for them

like extracting blood from a stone, and pulling firmly rooted teeth
execution in record timing - a snappy 6 days! i don't think i've ever worked this quickly, considering the myriad of complications i've endured.
it is a traditional pagan prayer for the overcoming of substance addiction, a theme i will be exploring more fully over the next little while. it reads

out of the blood, and into the marrow
out of the marrow, and into the bone
out of the bone, and into the skin
out of the skin, and into the hair
out of the hair, and into the sea

white, red, and black embroidery with red hair couching and fingernail applique.



i am hoping to combine my 2 distinct styles - the creepy [the white, the red, and the black] with the colour [2 rainbows collided in your body]

the inspiration behind this particular piece?
xiu you.
dangerous you shouldn't be here // xiu xiu

a witch has come from under the ocean
and with a pointed and sharp finger
snatched my baby by the crook of her jaw
and hooked her breath away
and bloated and cut her soft,
dearest skin and face
her hair has gone from black to green
she used to complain when I used
too much water to wash her hair
I can't imagine what it was like for her
to have died swallowing the sea
I want to pause and offer
your lonely grave farewell but it is covered in mud
it is nowhere there is no way
to light an altar for you
everything is too wet
tight around my neck
tie me with this rotten wire
that snaps its quiet snap
I've poured my life into this world and here I am

again, another submission. the deadline looms.

i cannot build an altar

after many days and nights spent it is, as of this past tuesday, finished.
i have learned that i cannot search for permanence in a place that is not mine.
the next step is to find my own place of isolation in which i can be free to drown in this cotton jelly.

truth : i had spent several days and nights inhabiting and working in this donated office space at concordia university. on many occasions i was mistaken for an mfa student, which i went along with.



and so i spent these days and nights crafting small objects with my thoughts, at first in silence, finally to music. in that silence i became to aware of time and place in that world continuing to exist behind my self imposed isolation. i was able to know that at exactly 4:55 every afternoon, the vent would stop it's humming of recycled air. i knew that it was a saturday night when i heard the excessive noises of happy hockey fans [the VA is a block away from the bell centre].



i forgot what it was like to be in pain.

excerpts from the clubhouse logbook ::

sunday
"out the window i cannot see the street all i see is a parkinglot, a gas station concrete steel glass structures without history and no horizon only sky and some naked trees. on the west wall there is a crack btwn the windowledge and the wall - there is cold air there, it seeps in almost unnoticed but if you put your ear there you can hear it."

monday
"...always hiding! i am the girl who hides in the bathroom at parties which is why i never go to parties anymore...i feel as if this initial fear sabotages any chance i have at gaining social skills. but i don't want social skills, previous experiences and attempts have taught me to not bother. i choke when i speak...i find i am very boring. being in a crowd of more than 3 makes me nauseous and i lose my cool. so i just stopped trying."

"as happy as i want to be, i can't help but feel a tinge of sadness seep into everything i say and make and do. too often the words that come out of my mouth are 'uuuuuh i don't know'. get a know a no a gnome?...11 pm guard checks door...asks me if i'm ok...honestly, i didn't know how to answer the question"

wednesday
"yesterday was the first day in about 2 weeks that i have seen the sun...a foreign sensation, as if our / my eyes were not made to handle its existence...coming from a lover of clouds. always _______ [inadequate]. just when i get used to things, i pass them over in silence."

"6:17 :: z - and then e!...it was nice having another productive person in the room with me - there is energy there - feeding on positivity...it is easy to be lazy by my selves, but if someone else is here i feel the need to keep on making and feeding...mmm...yesterdai i left my fingernails on the shelf and today they are gone."

thursday
"sometimes it is hard to be happy november days, especially when...i have 'mike' stuck in my head...'sometimes i feel i'm not nice because it's hard for me to think something happy about you except for that dad, i love you, and i will always always miss you'"

saturday
"DON'T THINK"

tuesday
"yesterday's stupid action ended up being much more traumatic than i initially thought...i was the dumbest bitch on the planet, on the second floor landing, crying buckets...lesson fucking learned. a little cut up, and i am very angry with my selves. i am sick of the lazy person i've become"

wednesday
"can i believe it? i am in the clubhouse at 930? am?"

friday
"i am feeling really good...it is rain, it is night...is it love?...are they like me, so unsure of that outside world, willing to give it up for this solitude....i remember, not that long ago - even this summer, my dislike for my aloneness - walking, riding the train, seeing shows. something i was not ok with....i only cut 7 nails today, this night...should have taken that sideways sight slicing as an aura for my right eye failing me. just made the perfect jellyfish."

saturday
"fact : montreal is not open 24 hours though i always feel it hsould be"

tuesday [crit day]
hello hello hello it's over...that day. it is the storm before the calm before the storm"




for anyone interested + in the greater montreal area, the installation is up till the 19th of december 2008. please message me if you would like to see it feel it touch it.

the smallest kiss in the world

for a week now i have been inhabiting this space in the VA building at school. this is the one place i could feel safe this month.
the first 3 days i have lived there without sound. the only things i could hear were those of the outside world, of people living a life i could not bear to lead. many times during this week have i [almost] ran there to escape every other place i have been. i had always felt safe in the school's communal studios [i am thinking those of my department in particular] but have felt just awful in printmaking. i have learned i have too much of a soul to be a printmaker - i am not superficial or cliquey enough to be a part of all that. spend the first 2 years of my career working with a master as a sponger? i am an object maker, a space manipulator, not a sponge handler.
which is why i love love love my jelly installation. here i crochet, embroider, weave, draw, imagine jellyfish to life, coat my innards with their silent love, if only trying to fill a void inside of me.
there are too many things i feel i have lost - part of my selves, my friends, and sadly above all, my families. there are relationships i will never have again, ones i needed and lost due to unimaginative conversations and desires to be with others. i cannot be the daughter i wanted to be. so i seclude my other selves obsessively and anthropophobically.
i am disconnected from my art processes - they lead to no places. focus energies evenly. do well for all time, crushed under the weight of my own artistic ungenius.
there is an expiration date to this precious space i have. i don't know what i'll do once its gone. i know i'll manage, i always do, but,
i wish i knew how to say this, i wish i knew how to say just how painful it is - physically as well as emotionally. my heart is as heavy as the knot in my throat is tight. plato's cave [only of love]
it is the ok vs the great [somehow lost]
i always feel so close to giving up [i never do]
i know i am halfway done, may the worst be over
september: i felt so strong - i knew it was all so fleeting but now,

Catching UP

Here are some past fibre works!


control - 2008

knitting a row for every day i'm alive [changing colour every month]





the rabbits - 2008

2 magical rabbits go on a journey in northern quebec to find their roots.





OBM panel - group project to bring comfort to the mission! - 2007

world view of the arctic ocean etc



embroidery - 2007

experimenting with film negatives







self portrait / transformation - 2007
this print is a mess but so am i
black saturn / white e.coli / blue and yellow foxes & rabbits



block printed 3m of green cotton transformed into dichotomized cloud pillows [atom / nebula - nimbus / water drop not shown]

electron cloud



nebula



is that it?? ibasketry samples are due tomorrow and i haven't really been keeping up - i've been far too focused on por::ffav and on twining a million little jellyfish. yesterday i got called out as a hipster - the truth really does hurt, i will try to be as nonchalant as possible from now on [she says as she eats her sushi] dammit. maybe i'll just go grab a spot of tea [dammit] ok maybe have a [vanilla] cigarillo? [dammit] nope. once hipped cannot be unhipped.

am i the only one who likes to pretend to be other people for a day? it's a lot like going on mini - adventures in your own life.

tomorrow is the big day. wish me luck!!!