when we were very young

when i was young i stayed home
collected stamps
and made up people named after fonts.

newness!

merry xxxmas, merry x-mass, happy yule!

very many new things on the ilhu ranch!  a change of traditions and wonderful things brought me a new computer [with open source photo editing software], and a brand new lens for Agamemnon!  he is now wearing a macro nikkor 60 mm 1:2.8 g ed that i am loving!  and with all new things, they take a lot of time getting used to.  i took some photos this morning and *tried* editing them with seashore.  ugh!  what a nightmare.  not that it is bad, but i am used to photoshop cs2 on a pc, and now i'm using this on a macbook.  weeeeird.  i'm having a lot of trouble finding the functions - like photo resize and i don't like the crop function.  it doesn't have nearly as many of the functions as photoshop but luckily i only ever play with size, colour, contrast, levels, curves [don't think seashore has levels/curves functions].  my recent additions to flickr are out of whack - none of them are the same ratio or size or anything, but i am trying.  please be patient with me.  here are some in full season regalia!

i was so so so lucky to have retema come for a visit a few days ago [he is in mtl for only a few more days!!].  i took many many film photos in our historical desired condition.  we lived in the forest.  it is supposed to be this way.  he took a photo of me.

now that i have all this fancy dance equipment, i would love to update more often on my artistic endeavours.  i havent been unproductive - quite the opposite!  i have been crocheting like a mad woman, so there will be much more.  also i would like to set up my etsy shop and really start trying to do what i have been wanting.  these things take time, so it's time for a butt kicking!  flickr update :: pro account expires much too soon.  help me fuel this all!!!!

ass kickery commencing NOW!

i believe in the power of the new surprise

the next 48 were spent gonzo sewing and BRAIN BUSTERS and toys

i start 20million things before i finish them all at the same time

there is a surprise for them all but i wont say anything else
there was no knowing ANYTHING else

print finale
wherein i learn i am not cut out to pursue pure printing
:master printer: i say no thanks
i'll stick to being a maker of unique objects

imaginary cartographies
boiled down to simple shapes
i took the liberty of using print to explore different aspects of my art making
i used earthy tones [instead of my usual gaudy palette of rainbow psychosis] and minimal lines and shapes.
3 colour fuji plate print edition of 10
3 on 'good' paper
3 on silk organza
4 on green graph paper



apocalyptic advertisement
3 months of working on stone and i still don't 'get' stone
there are certain imagistic fixations which will most likely haunt me for all my time - quetzacoatl may be one of them.
my aim this time was to make my inner violent conflicts a bit more ... obvious. working with a giant press is an act of limbo - maybe in limbo, a reaction to the equipment of how i felt at the time. low, high, low, high...there is solace in paint slinging on a print you are wholly dissatisfied with. red makes up for a +++
i was in the mood for something carnal, out of sorts, me but not me but more than me


much time has passed since i felt any desire. so much of my selves lie in that end of the control arena. it is not so much a dissatisfaction as it is denial. i won't conform to circle/triangle/square if i really am a CONE.

i cannot build an altar

after many days and nights spent it is, as of this past tuesday, finished.
i have learned that i cannot search for permanence in a place that is not mine.
the next step is to find my own place of isolation in which i can be free to drown in this cotton jelly.

truth : i had spent several days and nights inhabiting and working in this donated office space at concordia university. on many occasions i was mistaken for an mfa student, which i went along with.



and so i spent these days and nights crafting small objects with my thoughts, at first in silence, finally to music. in that silence i became to aware of time and place in that world continuing to exist behind my self imposed isolation. i was able to know that at exactly 4:55 every afternoon, the vent would stop it's humming of recycled air. i knew that it was a saturday night when i heard the excessive noises of happy hockey fans [the VA is a block away from the bell centre].



i forgot what it was like to be in pain.

excerpts from the clubhouse logbook ::

sunday
"out the window i cannot see the street all i see is a parkinglot, a gas station concrete steel glass structures without history and no horizon only sky and some naked trees. on the west wall there is a crack btwn the windowledge and the wall - there is cold air there, it seeps in almost unnoticed but if you put your ear there you can hear it."

monday
"...always hiding! i am the girl who hides in the bathroom at parties which is why i never go to parties anymore...i feel as if this initial fear sabotages any chance i have at gaining social skills. but i don't want social skills, previous experiences and attempts have taught me to not bother. i choke when i speak...i find i am very boring. being in a crowd of more than 3 makes me nauseous and i lose my cool. so i just stopped trying."

"as happy as i want to be, i can't help but feel a tinge of sadness seep into everything i say and make and do. too often the words that come out of my mouth are 'uuuuuh i don't know'. get a know a no a gnome?...11 pm guard checks door...asks me if i'm ok...honestly, i didn't know how to answer the question"

wednesday
"yesterday was the first day in about 2 weeks that i have seen the sun...a foreign sensation, as if our / my eyes were not made to handle its existence...coming from a lover of clouds. always _______ [inadequate]. just when i get used to things, i pass them over in silence."

"6:17 :: z - and then e!...it was nice having another productive person in the room with me - there is energy there - feeding on positivity...it is easy to be lazy by my selves, but if someone else is here i feel the need to keep on making and feeding...mmm...yesterdai i left my fingernails on the shelf and today they are gone."

thursday
"sometimes it is hard to be happy november days, especially when...i have 'mike' stuck in my head...'sometimes i feel i'm not nice because it's hard for me to think something happy about you except for that dad, i love you, and i will always always miss you'"

saturday
"DON'T THINK"

tuesday
"yesterday's stupid action ended up being much more traumatic than i initially thought...i was the dumbest bitch on the planet, on the second floor landing, crying buckets...lesson fucking learned. a little cut up, and i am very angry with my selves. i am sick of the lazy person i've become"

wednesday
"can i believe it? i am in the clubhouse at 930? am?"

friday
"i am feeling really good...it is rain, it is night...is it love?...are they like me, so unsure of that outside world, willing to give it up for this solitude....i remember, not that long ago - even this summer, my dislike for my aloneness - walking, riding the train, seeing shows. something i was not ok with....i only cut 7 nails today, this night...should have taken that sideways sight slicing as an aura for my right eye failing me. just made the perfect jellyfish."

saturday
"fact : montreal is not open 24 hours though i always feel it hsould be"

tuesday [crit day]
hello hello hello it's over...that day. it is the storm before the calm before the storm"




for anyone interested + in the greater montreal area, the installation is up till the 19th of december 2008. please message me if you would like to see it feel it touch it.

the smallest kiss in the world

for a week now i have been inhabiting this space in the VA building at school. this is the one place i could feel safe this month.
the first 3 days i have lived there without sound. the only things i could hear were those of the outside world, of people living a life i could not bear to lead. many times during this week have i [almost] ran there to escape every other place i have been. i had always felt safe in the school's communal studios [i am thinking those of my department in particular] but have felt just awful in printmaking. i have learned i have too much of a soul to be a printmaker - i am not superficial or cliquey enough to be a part of all that. spend the first 2 years of my career working with a master as a sponger? i am an object maker, a space manipulator, not a sponge handler.
which is why i love love love my jelly installation. here i crochet, embroider, weave, draw, imagine jellyfish to life, coat my innards with their silent love, if only trying to fill a void inside of me.
there are too many things i feel i have lost - part of my selves, my friends, and sadly above all, my families. there are relationships i will never have again, ones i needed and lost due to unimaginative conversations and desires to be with others. i cannot be the daughter i wanted to be. so i seclude my other selves obsessively and anthropophobically.
i am disconnected from my art processes - they lead to no places. focus energies evenly. do well for all time, crushed under the weight of my own artistic ungenius.
there is an expiration date to this precious space i have. i don't know what i'll do once its gone. i know i'll manage, i always do, but,
i wish i knew how to say this, i wish i knew how to say just how painful it is - physically as well as emotionally. my heart is as heavy as the knot in my throat is tight. plato's cave [only of love]
it is the ok vs the great [somehow lost]
i always feel so close to giving up [i never do]
i know i am halfway done, may the worst be over
september: i felt so strong - i knew it was all so fleeting but now,

disco sensation

is there nothing quite like a distractive project?
there are certain wordly issues i am trying to express but feel far too uneducated to tread. my current symbolic fixation is replaced by another - potentially less threatening one. embrace incubation, it will help.

a bloom is a bloom is a bloom.
making each one is a treat in the 'house. thank you for a buffer zone 'tween home and school, a new space to venture and enjoy. hiding. wallflower. who is that flower beside me?
like the originals, shadow dancing on the wall, it is time and space,,,,

the creep. the one afraid. camouflage.

the creep looks ] for it in unwelcome places.

so they hide.
we hide.



there is no escaping here.


fumbling towards ecstasy // sarah mclachlan

All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
it's my mouth that pushes out this breath
and if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love
Companion to our demons
they will dance, and we will play
With chairs, candles, and cloth
making darkness in the day
It will be easy to look in or out
upstream or down without a thought
and if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love
Peace in the struggle
to find peace
comfort on the way
to comfort
and if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love

ILHU scouts - BETA

yes, ILHU but this love is not exclusive

a solid community is based on individually solid beings. ILHU scouts are dedicated to the solidity of individuals and individualism in order to help make a better community.

one on one 'meetings' [for lack of a better word], ILHU scouts will not meet as an official group in any setting. a skill sharing 'organization' aimed at the passing on of knowledge and information from ONE person to another.

all members may remain unknown or anonymous to other members of the group [with the exception of heather utah]. as there is no hierarchy, ILHU scouts may meet for skill sharing without the knowledge of heather utah but must be notified if working for badges so they can be properly made and documented.

-scouts work for themselves working for others
-crafts and lifestyles for self love and secrecy
-non violence for sharing
-respect for all creatures of the world [animate and inanimate]


BADGES

all badges and badge themes are negotiable as this list is based solely on the principles and skills of one person and may be expanded, changed, or specialisation.

crafts

• sewing [machine and/or hand]
• embroidery
• quilting / patchwork
• knitting
• crochet
• general needlework
• digital photography
• analogue photography
• sculpture
• collage
• graffiti
• general public art
  

lifestyle

• vegetarianism
• weird haircut
• cephalophilia
• LGBT
• pineapple crew
• love is for nazis [this is going to require a lot of explanation]
• groupie [band of choice]
• buy nothing day
• cloud appreciation
• tattoo
• piercing
• general body modification
• pro choice

body work

• swimming
• biking
• hiking
• camping
• kayaking
• general sport
• intake

interdisciplinary

• macrocosm
• microcosm
• pen pals
• discovery
• DIY
• ms / mr fix it
• cartography
• muffin sales
• bloggery

photo + bleach = <3

what to do with the nonsensical prints?
pour bleach on them
scratch at them
thank you to seth for yet another fantastical idea

they are not only photographs but objects

our very blind walk

taking away the sense of sight heightens all others

in taking our blindfolded class into a familiar environment we asked them to draw what they could smell, feel, fear, hear ::







we were all holding hands, their trust in us

co curated with lysanne and raphaelle

holgology for the ages

to there - age is there is no age through a plastic lens.
scramble time
2008 or 1808?












some things never change. some things change just enough to trip your throat when you rip that envelope. some things cause your insides to melt into the mucus and blood you originated as.

my body is returning to the earth, so slowly.

wewehe :: is it forever?
going back is not an option, you would not recognise this voice.

many works in many progresses

school is fool

i printed my very first edition in lithography yesterday
i miss spending hours and hours and hours in studio
10 - 730 !!
i rolled up, etched, printed and cleaned
here is my stone ::



many works are in the process

:: pyramids for the animals
:: names of alleys // my very private map
:: men and women as lovers
:: knitting the tape of love

men and women as lovers isn't really art tho
it was only born out of the fact that i have been spending a lot of time laying about in bed with a demi stranger speaking and learning about a life
i wanted to conduct a social experiment in comparison to all my lovers / unlovers i have known but not very well. [please do not think that is the reason i become attached, tho it is good way to detach from another]
love is life is art
is it?

we go furthur than we've gone before



our [un]love is private
is it?





my eye is crooked
is it?



there is just something about attachment
my private feel i must share
my smut of clover



am i using this man?
i don't know how i feel about my selves
we are the one you are

that is the part of my life that is art



i am beginning to think i exist only in the plural
my selves
my loves
my lives
my love lives

mapping

ilhu successfully rips off both Ten In The Swear Jar and Piet Mondrian



PS
yesterday was my birthday. i turned 22 on the 22nd.
i am enjoying being in my 20s despite the fact that i am awkward and unsavoury

stick together with the tape, the tape of love [sticky stuff]

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first thing is last

as you all may or may not know
i'm an art school kid
21 years 356 days jerky
i really dislike what i make
so here is something that has grown on me in the past year [or so]
give me foxen, give me rabbits, give me saturn
and CLOWDES

CLOSER

bee beside me


potential breakdown