ripping the fabric of time

how do you
represent infinity in a finite space?
get really sick and make a quilt out of it.






i'm really quite terrible at sewing. [and printing, and knitting, and drawing, and everything.]
i never pin, i never measure.
everything is all wonk. just me & my rudeboi scout.
we never get things right.

only take these personality tests with a grain of salt and
'the white poem of self hate stays with you'.
i am excellent at being mediocre.

what i'm trying to say is
STAY GOLD.
and that was all there ws to stay.

update ::
an exercise in extraversion.
conversation w/ stranger + delivery of badge to rightful owner.
i walked back down to the melting, waxy streets and sang david bowie all the way to the hutch. i really enjoyed making badges. i will do more but with negatives, signature.

fun facts ::
the iapetus was an ancient ocean between the laurentia and baltic continents in the neoproterozoic and paleozoic eras. there lived trilobites, hydra, and turritopsis nutricula. thanks to transdifferentiation and some other really neat stuff, the hyrda and turritopsis nutricula are technically biologically immortal!


artist[s] unknown ::



thank you.

i am currently reading george eliot's 'middlemarch'. it is insanely long, i cannot imagine what it must have been like, writing it all out like that. but still, i find her psychological insights almost shocking. i read a lot on the metro, and sometimes i just hit a phrase in between all this dialogue that almost knocks me over. what are you reading? do you like it? any recommendations, should i ever get through all 8zillion amazing pages of this?

Etsy Buy Handmade satyrinae

cuts of nostalgia

one day this happened



change of plans.

too much 90s nostalgia? i feel as though my current life has resumed to it's routine of 5th grade freedom.
it is a return to the similar circadian rhythm i have left behind.
i remember the faling apart. it is a return to discipline and apple cores.
a return of 99 cent brocoli at the PA.
a return to the foxes and rabbits in our very back yard.
it is the inside jokes of building forts to keep away all the falling apart.
i have reached my 5th year of vegetarianism, my 11th year of seperatedness, an anniversary marked by the split of those someone very close to me.
baking cupcakes to soothe is the demeter inside.

i remember you and me used to spend the whole goddamn day in bed.

it is not falling apart, it is drying herbs in your kitchen and talking to the first years about hair.

it is love, but the endless distance is the beginning of difference.
i understand.

finally!

so, i have finally decided to piece together my etsy shop
it goes slowly and i only have 3 things for sale at the moment, but in the next few days i'll be adding more - jellyfish brooches, glamosaurus sex paint by numbers, more prints, more sculptures, maybe some drawings.
any ideas? i am a major in fibre art but i consider my selves much more miscellaneous than that. if you guys out there in the internet world want to see more or less of anything, please let me know! you are all so fabulous with your love!
now, for some SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION

Heather J- / heather utah
#######
Miscellaneous artist in training
6 january 2009

"What we cannot speak of we must pass over in silence." - Wittgenstein.

subconscious passive human longing comforting obsessive reflective text textiled tiled dominating digital analog imaginary real crafting spellcrafting multiple textured coloured needy incubating illuminating illuminati exposed free public private silent.

ILHU Scout Project


I propose to start a skill sharing secret society. the ilhu scouts, concerning the importance of individual strength as a part of a larger system. Like and unlike many other skill sharing organizations, the ilhu scouts aim to establish and maintain a private sphere surrounding the intimate act of creation. While my own creative background is largely self taught in needlepoint and other miscellaneous craft and artistic practices, I encourage proficient technicians to share their knowledge with a willing student. Despite my own emphasis on secrecy, scout members may choose to be public about their membership and are encouraged to recruit other like-minded people. It is my sincere desire to be a healthy, productive member of my community in the only way I know how. The ilhu scouts are dedicated to the solidity of individuals and individualism in order to solidify a community based on unique, ethical, and proactive beings.

The idea of a society as a small number of people sharing a very specific technical knowledge and passing onto an attentive audience is the 'secret" in secret society as the going-ons of the other members is largely unknown - it is my intention that the ilhu scouts will never assemble as a single unit. But as with the scouts, there are 'badges' that could be potentially earned should one choose to be an 'active' rather than 'passive' member. Active members recruit others to join the skill sharing network; as each member has their own particular strengths and secrets to be passed onto others to benefit. Another role that active members play in badge activities is to learn a new skill and in turn teach a fellow scout member, actively participating in the circular motion of creativity. Passive members are full members of the scout committee but may chose to or not teach another a skill but may participate in the creative process with another as an 'energy booster'. In my practice, I have found that i more productive with another person engaged in creation in the same room than i am alone. By working in pairs or in groups in no more than 4, crafters stimulate others while engaging themselves in other passive communal actions; dialogue, musical appreciation, laughter, or silence. Each badge is designed and made by heather utah and badge recipient. All badges and badge themes are negotiable as this list is based solely on the principles and skills of one person and may be expanded, changed, or specialized.

The non-exclusivity of membership ensures that any person regardless of spiritual, political, sexual, or cultural interests. I intend to create a group of people bound together by the love of the physical and psychological benefits of creative actions. In return, I only ask of the ilhu scouts to treat their fellow people with equal respect while engaging in virtual non-violent behavior to all forms of life, human, animal, and vegetal, and of all property. The scouts are to attend their specified workshops out of their own freewill and are in no way bound to the ilhu scouts. There is no hierarchical structure between active and passive scouts. Although i have started this group, i do not hold any more or less power to change or expand the scope of the group - in fact, the ilhu scouts may be incarnated differently with each scout pair and may share their own ideas as long as the actions contain no malevolent or negative intent. Materials are to be provided by the recipient crafter. If they are serious enough about learning and mastering a new skill they should be willing to invest supplies as well as energy into it.

Activities may include
craft skills
technical skills
language
music
cooking
outdoor activities

Subject to change in regards to the needs and abilities of the individual scouts.

Other themes include personal and cultural symbolism, the examined self, public and private space, community service, leadership, and craftsmanship.
The ilhu scouts are currently being conducted out of my own home, but workshops may take place in the homes of scouts and I am currently seeking a temporary space for public display.


Selected Sources of Research and Inspiration


Benjamin Walter. The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction.
http://iheartfbrs.pbwiki.com/The+Work+of+Art+in+the+Age+of+Mechanical+Reproduction

Bishop, Claire. Antagonism and Relational Aesthetics.
http://iheartfbrs.pbwiki.com/claire+bishop

Bourriaud, Nicolas. Relational Aesthetics. Les Presses du reel. 2002.

Girl Guides of Canada.
http://www.girlguides.ca/default1.asp?id=1179

The International Order of the Rainbow for Girls
http://www.gorainbow.org/home/home.taf

Kloosterman, Jaan. Secret Societies : A Very Short History. International Institute of Social History.
http://www.iisg.nl/collections/secretsocieties/index.php

Janoff, Reverend Callie. A Sermon. The Church of Craft.
http://churchofcraft.org/a-sermon-simple-and-captivating/

Jung, C G., ed. Man and His Symbols. Dell, New York: 1977.

Philips, Adam. On Kissing, Tickling, and Being Bored. Harvard University Press, Massachusetts: 1993.

Secret Men's Business
http://billykblog.blogspot.com/2006/09/starting-secret-society-part-7.html

Storr, Anthony. Solitude. Harper Collins, London, 1997.







planet earth is blue and there's nothing i can do.

i believe in the power of the new surprise

the next 48 were spent gonzo sewing and BRAIN BUSTERS and toys

i start 20million things before i finish them all at the same time

there is a surprise for them all but i wont say anything else
there was no knowing ANYTHING else

print finale
wherein i learn i am not cut out to pursue pure printing
:master printer: i say no thanks
i'll stick to being a maker of unique objects

imaginary cartographies
boiled down to simple shapes
i took the liberty of using print to explore different aspects of my art making
i used earthy tones [instead of my usual gaudy palette of rainbow psychosis] and minimal lines and shapes.
3 colour fuji plate print edition of 10
3 on 'good' paper
3 on silk organza
4 on green graph paper



apocalyptic advertisement
3 months of working on stone and i still don't 'get' stone
there are certain imagistic fixations which will most likely haunt me for all my time - quetzacoatl may be one of them.
my aim this time was to make my inner violent conflicts a bit more ... obvious. working with a giant press is an act of limbo - maybe in limbo, a reaction to the equipment of how i felt at the time. low, high, low, high...there is solace in paint slinging on a print you are wholly dissatisfied with. red makes up for a +++
i was in the mood for something carnal, out of sorts, me but not me but more than me


much time has passed since i felt any desire. so much of my selves lie in that end of the control arena. it is not so much a dissatisfaction as it is denial. i won't conform to circle/triangle/square if i really am a CONE.

i cannot build an altar

after many days and nights spent it is, as of this past tuesday, finished.
i have learned that i cannot search for permanence in a place that is not mine.
the next step is to find my own place of isolation in which i can be free to drown in this cotton jelly.

truth : i had spent several days and nights inhabiting and working in this donated office space at concordia university. on many occasions i was mistaken for an mfa student, which i went along with.



and so i spent these days and nights crafting small objects with my thoughts, at first in silence, finally to music. in that silence i became to aware of time and place in that world continuing to exist behind my self imposed isolation. i was able to know that at exactly 4:55 every afternoon, the vent would stop it's humming of recycled air. i knew that it was a saturday night when i heard the excessive noises of happy hockey fans [the VA is a block away from the bell centre].



i forgot what it was like to be in pain.

excerpts from the clubhouse logbook ::

sunday
"out the window i cannot see the street all i see is a parkinglot, a gas station concrete steel glass structures without history and no horizon only sky and some naked trees. on the west wall there is a crack btwn the windowledge and the wall - there is cold air there, it seeps in almost unnoticed but if you put your ear there you can hear it."

monday
"...always hiding! i am the girl who hides in the bathroom at parties which is why i never go to parties anymore...i feel as if this initial fear sabotages any chance i have at gaining social skills. but i don't want social skills, previous experiences and attempts have taught me to not bother. i choke when i speak...i find i am very boring. being in a crowd of more than 3 makes me nauseous and i lose my cool. so i just stopped trying."

"as happy as i want to be, i can't help but feel a tinge of sadness seep into everything i say and make and do. too often the words that come out of my mouth are 'uuuuuh i don't know'. get a know a no a gnome?...11 pm guard checks door...asks me if i'm ok...honestly, i didn't know how to answer the question"

wednesday
"yesterday was the first day in about 2 weeks that i have seen the sun...a foreign sensation, as if our / my eyes were not made to handle its existence...coming from a lover of clouds. always _______ [inadequate]. just when i get used to things, i pass them over in silence."

"6:17 :: z - and then e!...it was nice having another productive person in the room with me - there is energy there - feeding on positivity...it is easy to be lazy by my selves, but if someone else is here i feel the need to keep on making and feeding...mmm...yesterdai i left my fingernails on the shelf and today they are gone."

thursday
"sometimes it is hard to be happy november days, especially when...i have 'mike' stuck in my head...'sometimes i feel i'm not nice because it's hard for me to think something happy about you except for that dad, i love you, and i will always always miss you'"

saturday
"DON'T THINK"

tuesday
"yesterday's stupid action ended up being much more traumatic than i initially thought...i was the dumbest bitch on the planet, on the second floor landing, crying buckets...lesson fucking learned. a little cut up, and i am very angry with my selves. i am sick of the lazy person i've become"

wednesday
"can i believe it? i am in the clubhouse at 930? am?"

friday
"i am feeling really good...it is rain, it is night...is it love?...are they like me, so unsure of that outside world, willing to give it up for this solitude....i remember, not that long ago - even this summer, my dislike for my aloneness - walking, riding the train, seeing shows. something i was not ok with....i only cut 7 nails today, this night...should have taken that sideways sight slicing as an aura for my right eye failing me. just made the perfect jellyfish."

saturday
"fact : montreal is not open 24 hours though i always feel it hsould be"

tuesday [crit day]
hello hello hello it's over...that day. it is the storm before the calm before the storm"




for anyone interested + in the greater montreal area, the installation is up till the 19th of december 2008. please message me if you would like to see it feel it touch it.

the smallest kiss in the world

for a week now i have been inhabiting this space in the VA building at school. this is the one place i could feel safe this month.
the first 3 days i have lived there without sound. the only things i could hear were those of the outside world, of people living a life i could not bear to lead. many times during this week have i [almost] ran there to escape every other place i have been. i had always felt safe in the school's communal studios [i am thinking those of my department in particular] but have felt just awful in printmaking. i have learned i have too much of a soul to be a printmaker - i am not superficial or cliquey enough to be a part of all that. spend the first 2 years of my career working with a master as a sponger? i am an object maker, a space manipulator, not a sponge handler.
which is why i love love love my jelly installation. here i crochet, embroider, weave, draw, imagine jellyfish to life, coat my innards with their silent love, if only trying to fill a void inside of me.
there are too many things i feel i have lost - part of my selves, my friends, and sadly above all, my families. there are relationships i will never have again, ones i needed and lost due to unimaginative conversations and desires to be with others. i cannot be the daughter i wanted to be. so i seclude my other selves obsessively and anthropophobically.
i am disconnected from my art processes - they lead to no places. focus energies evenly. do well for all time, crushed under the weight of my own artistic ungenius.
there is an expiration date to this precious space i have. i don't know what i'll do once its gone. i know i'll manage, i always do, but,
i wish i knew how to say this, i wish i knew how to say just how painful it is - physically as well as emotionally. my heart is as heavy as the knot in my throat is tight. plato's cave [only of love]
it is the ok vs the great [somehow lost]
i always feel so close to giving up [i never do]
i know i am halfway done, may the worst be over
september: i felt so strong - i knew it was all so fleeting but now,

disco sensation

is there nothing quite like a distractive project?
there are certain wordly issues i am trying to express but feel far too uneducated to tread. my current symbolic fixation is replaced by another - potentially less threatening one. embrace incubation, it will help.

a bloom is a bloom is a bloom.
making each one is a treat in the 'house. thank you for a buffer zone 'tween home and school, a new space to venture and enjoy. hiding. wallflower. who is that flower beside me?
like the originals, shadow dancing on the wall, it is time and space,,,,

КОНТРОЛ :: три

retema came home for lunch today and he took photos of me wearing control

go visit him and tell him what a flippin amazing photographer / all around dude he is

i love that i have been working on control for ~6 months and it is constantly reborn into something new in collaboration with another artist

everyday feels like kindergarten

i am knitting
i am collaging

i love that it doesn't even feel like work.

i am drawing

i love sharing what i do with another person who appreciates it as much as i

i am loving

everyday is new
i wear control and my age is spread out over my limbs and face
i am wearing everyday of my life
i feel old in my 21 years

i feel young in my life
there is always more to be done

Quetzalcoatl

I have always believed that being an artist means living on the edge of madness - and it has never been so true as it was this week -
I finally decided to finish this painting after it was hanging around my house for almost a year. The opportunity arose after the desire for the monster to live - to think of death for so long to want to follow through on those thoughts. Suicide seems normal to me - a much more comforting relief from life than disease or happenstance. I would still much rather be my own killer than succumb to cancer or homicide or the grill of some asshole's truck. I do realise that I have a lot more to do in this world - so I'll be alive for the next little while. Now before anyone freaks out on me and thinks I'm a horrible monster - I assure you I am. And I'm getting the so - called * help * I need. Even though I don't really think I need help - that must mean there's something wrong with me.
The Quetzalcoatl character is no accident - I'm looking forward to 2012. Of course there are too many humans on this planet, and even though I am trying to send out as many good vibes as possible [I also started volunteering this week] I know I am inevitably contributing to the poisoning of the earth.
Is it any coincidence Xiu Xiu's 'Mike' just started playing? No. Maybe. Yes.
I'm going to go to bed and read Lawrence E Joseph's 'Apocalypse 2012'. And tomorrow I will wake up and go to work and pretend to be a productive member of a terrible society.

Responsibility

por::ffav act III!!!
crit day - satisfied as usual
getting some awesome pimpage here and here
i would love to expand it as well - summer [by summer i mean the end of the semester] is fast approaching and would love love to keep on the assembly. what i really should be doing is take advantage of the studio space in order to print more more more so that i keep posting throughout summer [the real summer]




control is now in a glass case on the 9th floor of concordia university's EV building [you know the really fancy one with the giant flower on the side]



april means more clouds. and apparently snow as well.



i would like to know when the philosophy part steps in - soon soon. there are some *things* which need to be ironed out first [mainly my own concept of personal identity and agency] which for now will be replaced with a million carpets.



my self image needs some work, but this is it for now. i'm not into telling people what to feel; you know who you are. please take responsibility for your own actions. please take responsibility for your own emotions. don't start or perpetuate drama. drink lots of water and wash your fase. that is all.

Catching UP

Here are some past fibre works!


control - 2008

knitting a row for every day i'm alive [changing colour every month]





the rabbits - 2008

2 magical rabbits go on a journey in northern quebec to find their roots.





OBM panel - group project to bring comfort to the mission! - 2007

world view of the arctic ocean etc



embroidery - 2007

experimenting with film negatives







self portrait / transformation - 2007
this print is a mess but so am i
black saturn / white e.coli / blue and yellow foxes & rabbits



block printed 3m of green cotton transformed into dichotomized cloud pillows [atom / nebula - nimbus / water drop not shown]

electron cloud



nebula



is that it?? ibasketry samples are due tomorrow and i haven't really been keeping up - i've been far too focused on por::ffav and on twining a million little jellyfish. yesterday i got called out as a hipster - the truth really does hurt, i will try to be as nonchalant as possible from now on [she says as she eats her sushi] dammit. maybe i'll just go grab a spot of tea [dammit] ok maybe have a [vanilla] cigarillo? [dammit] nope. once hipped cannot be unhipped.

am i the only one who likes to pretend to be other people for a day? it's a lot like going on mini - adventures in your own life.

tomorrow is the big day. wish me luck!!!

pieces of resistance :: flags for a vengeance act II

the hardest part was walking away from them. but as far as i know they are still there. i hope someone takes one. and likes it.

act III better be ready by wednesday. i would write more but my eyes won't let me stare at any one thing for much longer.

pieces of resistance :: flags for a vengeance act I

flags for a vengeance!

so yesterday i started the assembly for print & dye final. i am looking forward to a public piece.
i'm thinking of detailing the backgrounds of the bus, and possibly squaring the prints to make it easier. in any case assembly is a cinch, i need to get better at printing.



and spending hours in studio means watching the sunset, and more importantly, the moon RISE



in search of third eye
something always rises from
the ashes of distress