the smallest kiss in the world

for a week now i have been inhabiting this space in the VA building at school. this is the one place i could feel safe this month.
the first 3 days i have lived there without sound. the only things i could hear were those of the outside world, of people living a life i could not bear to lead. many times during this week have i [almost] ran there to escape every other place i have been. i had always felt safe in the school's communal studios [i am thinking those of my department in particular] but have felt just awful in printmaking. i have learned i have too much of a soul to be a printmaker - i am not superficial or cliquey enough to be a part of all that. spend the first 2 years of my career working with a master as a sponger? i am an object maker, a space manipulator, not a sponge handler.
which is why i love love love my jelly installation. here i crochet, embroider, weave, draw, imagine jellyfish to life, coat my innards with their silent love, if only trying to fill a void inside of me.
there are too many things i feel i have lost - part of my selves, my friends, and sadly above all, my families. there are relationships i will never have again, ones i needed and lost due to unimaginative conversations and desires to be with others. i cannot be the daughter i wanted to be. so i seclude my other selves obsessively and anthropophobically.
i am disconnected from my art processes - they lead to no places. focus energies evenly. do well for all time, crushed under the weight of my own artistic ungenius.
there is an expiration date to this precious space i have. i don't know what i'll do once its gone. i know i'll manage, i always do, but,
i wish i knew how to say this, i wish i knew how to say just how painful it is - physically as well as emotionally. my heart is as heavy as the knot in my throat is tight. plato's cave [only of love]
it is the ok vs the great [somehow lost]
i always feel so close to giving up [i never do]
i know i am halfway done, may the worst be over
september: i felt so strong - i knew it was all so fleeting but now,

disco sensation

is there nothing quite like a distractive project?
there are certain wordly issues i am trying to express but feel far too uneducated to tread. my current symbolic fixation is replaced by another - potentially less threatening one. embrace incubation, it will help.

a bloom is a bloom is a bloom.
making each one is a treat in the 'house. thank you for a buffer zone 'tween home and school, a new space to venture and enjoy. hiding. wallflower. who is that flower beside me?
like the originals, shadow dancing on the wall, it is time and space,,,,

the creep. the one afraid. camouflage.

the creep looks ] for it in unwelcome places.

so they hide.
we hide.



there is no escaping here.


fumbling towards ecstasy // sarah mclachlan

All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
it's my mouth that pushes out this breath
and if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love
Companion to our demons
they will dance, and we will play
With chairs, candles, and cloth
making darkness in the day
It will be easy to look in or out
upstream or down without a thought
and if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love
Peace in the struggle
to find peace
comfort on the way
to comfort
and if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love