Saturday, May 2, 2009

i have not forgotten

things are better now.

sorry blogger
things change yet remain beautiful, always
stay gold
heather mutherfucking utah

Saturday, April 4, 2009

heads up

i will be leaving cut cut cut / ilhu / my private selves soon.
things will consolidate elsewhere.
just bear with me while i figure out life, the universe, and everything.

if you want to know the address, please contact me.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

i can tell that we are going to be friends

wherein our hero reveals her own personal secrets to happiness.

i have been told i am an unusually happy person
so what? it seems that misery is the accepted norm, a default obsession.
it has gone beyond habit straight past ritual and fetish into a full fledged emotional addiction.
this is going to sound crazy but,
sitting at home alone thinking about how lonely you are is not going to help you be less lonely.

am i special? NO.
i am the most mediocre, most boring, unimportant person i know and I AM TOTALLY OK WITH BEING UNIMPRESSIVE
being constantly judged, ignored, and ridiculed has made me oh so oblivious to everyone's negative attitudes, so much so that i save my cares for those i deem worthy enough to share owesome finds with
LIKE YOU!!!!!!
and despite being rejected on multiple occasions to art shows, having really bad hair, being sick for 5+ months, being terribly unmotivated and hating student art, the smallest things instil and crystallize happiness inside me for lingering.

+ find 1 activity that makes you happy and do it at often as possible. own it, expand it, and SHARE it

+ friends. really. even if you only have 1 person you know that you see on occasion, expand on that relationship with them. or make friends. 'oh i have no friends'. not cool, yo. if i can have friends, and charles manson can have friends, SO CAN YOU. already have one / some? LOVE THEM. the #1 thing that irks me most is when i hear / read about people who hate on their best friends, or fight with them. my very best one moved away and i would do *anything* to have them again. appreciate them, their time, and their loving energy, if only because i can't.

+ adventure. 'every day, do one thing that scares you'. roadtrip. get inspired, socially, personally, idealogically. strive to be the best human you can be.

+ normal things that everyone knows. eating lots of fruits and vegetables. not whining. not doing drugs or drinking alcohol, not being a douchebag, not killing animals. laughing at people slipping on ice patches, laughing at your selves when you stub your toes. really, i feel stupid writing this. use your brains. read books, watch less tv, play less video games, drink more water. misery is choice, as is happiness, you are responsible for your own lives.

:: small things that make days, that turn days into nights into loves ::

omg leg

DUDE IT'S A LEG was someone really going to throw this out??


cigarette price board, with complete sets of numbers and mounting devices, yah!


reading. always a wise decision. pick your topic. boyd rice? prime example of a man LIVING HIS LIFE. learn from this, please?
do not be afraid of yourselves.
when your actions are so inspirational
the motive is blurred through time and the realms of good and evil

what are the rules governing this?

while in presenting this project, i did divulge the meanings of certain symbols, but no one's names, real or aliased, were mentioned.

i should be posting this in the other but i won't keep on top of my selves.

badge a radge

there is one missing from my stack. where did it go?
several bag checks reveal nothing.
so disappointed.

Friday, March 27, 2009

oak mot!

you are as sparkling as jon dore's eyes.
and i really love you.
for all the kittens out there - i am glad you are black and white

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

wherein our hero questions your authenticity

i can never think of anything intelligent / interesting to say
other than the negative to the negative of all else

hesitation and consequence
, an archival of failure


bee flower

inspirations ::
andy warhol
anton newcombe
anton lavey
charles manson
claudia kishi
mollie sue
catherine lawrence
mark z danielewski
hoop girl [from ooooh so long ago. she haunts thoughts that cross years]
francis picabia
lovecraft ;;; springtime is lovecraft, with the discovery of underground lairs and crypto-everything.

all i can do is rebel the rebels, protest the protest



Saturday, March 21, 2009

goodbye agamemnon

goodbye agamemnon

forget everything you knew about the will to conquer
forget everything you knew about the will to power
forget everything you knew about your selves

this is you infinite wisdom tooth / my last night in bed with you
[there are no words]

i'll have a new camera in a couple of weeks but until then
a salute to my 4 years with the beefiest cheesiest piece of glass encased in black plastic.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

reference a plenty.

excuse us all as we pull our bodies together
falling apart at every seam
can't help from falling over every edge

my lungs are about as comprehensible as

could somebody please explain this to me

my head is as hazy as this city we struggle for

city and haze

what looks more graphically pleasing

lesson of the weak ::
'Wer im Glashaus sitzt, sollte nicht mit Steinen werfen.'

the thing with prayer is
that even though it may not be the most reliable method of healing
it does no harm to anyone, and best of all it is silent and free.

you are really creeping me out

just stay out of the gift shop.

i like my nostalgia. it is my own self pilgrimage to visit these sites on accidental occasion.
even if there are no accidents.
no matter the cost, friendships are worth celebrating.

king for a day and my lady blue lover


Friday, March 6, 2009


here are some things to tame the masses.

wearing a dress, recycled from a baby blanket.
this was what i did to help recover from my illness on spring break.

the dress

detail 'my stinging words'
on rereading many journal entries from ~2004, i have realized just how at fault i was to the situation. i won't take responsibility for this person's actions, and i have yet to find the initiative to apologize for giving reason to perpetuate ridiculous behavior, or to even make them think that it is ok.
the day will come when you, too, will die. i long for the day to see your face in the newspaper, the only problem is they will be called a 'hero' by many. and i will be called a liar. we'll see.


published, here

'nomade's land'. pretty stoked.
i'm a half decent writer, i suppose. you know, having been a liberal artist for several years.

and, a peek into the future.


i am sick of this class. all classes.
4 weeks.
then summer school.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

intervene / add to at will

Monday, February 23, 2009

combined youth

i've been drawing silly things while watching silly movies

sunny bunny

lookin pretty bunny

i am really enjoying the combined youth concept, of collaborating with my former selves to attempt the things i wish i was capable of doing then, and dispersing them to people i may never know,,,,,,,,,,,,

my bunnies look like strange hands,

i am waiting out february in my old old room north of the city. it has been 2 full days sans nosebleed and really, that has come to be something worth celebrating.

another thing worth celebrating :: voluntary and involuntary socialization!
i may have my gripes with vernissages but z is worth it. also, this saturday night / sunday morning is montreal's nuit blanche! this is my third year attending as a viewer, and despite the everything, i am still looking forward.

a wise chauncey once said ::
'i don't know what you've been huffing but there ain't no such thing as god'
so, don't do drugs?

spring spring spring. i think this is the first year yet where i am DYING for the season change. i have done little to no winter appreciation this year. i want yellow and green and blue. sunshine and that waxen smell. fewer layers and neater shoes. less frozen dogg poo in the alleys we rule. i also intend to establish a mini gallery at the end of the alley - i suppose i could do this now but snow proves a formidable enemy at the moment and will swallow the world if i am not careful because clearly i am in control of everything that happens in this city.

i have just to the right of me is a copy of francis picabia's 'i am a beautiful monster'. i owe most of my artistic uncareer to dada - guillaume appollinaire, tristan tzara, man ray, marcel duchamp, all have continually inspired me to keep thinking and keep making in revolt against the undergrad blues. everyday i am faced with the decision to throw in the embroidery hoop for a 'simpler' life and these men [funny, no women...] and their brilliant acheivements revive my interest in the FUCK YOU to our institutions. i always think to my selves 'well of course they can get away with doing crazy shit this was the early 20th century, times were different then' and catch my unknown logical and try to turn it into 'this is the early 21st century - just think of all the crazy shit i can get away with'. sure things are different, but i am not far off enough. time to get out, way out. state a few more interventions, blame it on the ilhu.

was an ill hu earlier this week. body shocks rock photobooth for multiple bloody noses.
too bad the university has a policy against using bodily fluids in art projects. nerdlingers.

the bloodening

Buy Handmade

Saturday, February 14, 2009

cold walks

buck busk and adidas

o vertigo

where are your mittens, kittens?
i moved to this city for an education and all i got was this vertigo.

Friday, February 13, 2009

jigsaw sketchbooks / rudebooks

amongst the large things i do
the overambitious and slightly useless
stays small.
rudebook snappings
they are like the commercials between pieces
begging for time for twin bees

jigsaw notebook vi - getting out of the house

jigsaw notebook iv - hand vs state

jigsaw notebook ii - lipsynch for your life

jigsaw notebook i

while watching rupaul's drag race. and once again, jellyfish on buses save the day.

do you have a sketchbook to share?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

ripping the fabric of time

how do you
represent infinity in a finite space?
get really sick and make a quilt out of it.

maybe we'll see

good day

i'm really quite terrible at sewing. [and printing, and knitting, and drawing, and everything.]
i never pin, i never measure.
everything is all wonk. just me & my rudeboi scout.
we never get things right.

only take these personality tests with a grain of salt and
'the white poem of self hate stays with you'.
i am excellent at being mediocre.

what i'm trying to say is
and that was all there ws to stay.

update ::
an exercise in extraversion.
conversation w/ stranger + delivery of badge to rightful owner.
i walked back down to the melting, waxy streets and sang david bowie all the way to the hutch. i really enjoyed making badges. i will do more but with negatives, signature.

fun facts ::
the iapetus was an ancient ocean between the laurentia and baltic continents in the neoproterozoic and paleozoic eras. there lived trilobites, hydra, and turritopsis nutricula. thanks to transdifferentiation and some other really neat stuff, the hyrda and turritopsis nutricula are technically biologically immortal!

artist[s] unknown ::

en vie

thank you.

i am currently reading george eliot's 'middlemarch'. it is insanely long, i cannot imagine what it must have been like, writing it all out like that. but still, i find her psychological insights almost shocking. i read a lot on the metro, and sometimes i just hit a phrase in between all this dialogue that almost knocks me over. what are you reading? do you like it? any recommendations, should i ever get through all 8zillion amazing pages of this?

Buy Handmade

Thursday, February 5, 2009

ilhu scout impromptu intervention

re: title
7 february 2009
lab synthese

i've been working on my first badge, to be completed saturday night.
in similar vein to js' pandapple badge, only a little less called for.
i made this for last year's xiu xiu show, for js' call for pandapple paraphernalia. i couldn't find any, so i made a badge.


little did i know at the time that it was going to be terribly helpful for a future self.
here is the blindoldfreak one.


it's on the wonky side, and pretty small, you can tell by the weave of the aida. backstitch onto grey felt for colour power.

the artervention. an experiment in extraversion.
or, me just being really annoying

heather as mel.


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

cuts of nostalgia

one day this happened

hard to hold

change of plans.

too much 90s nostalgia? i feel as though my current life has resumed to it's routine of 5th grade freedom.
it is a return to the similar circadian rhythm i have left behind.
i remember the faling apart. it is a return to discipline and apple cores.
a return of 99 cent brocoli at the PA.
a return to the foxes and rabbits in our very back yard.
it is the inside jokes of building forts to keep away all the falling apart.
i have reached my 5th year of vegetarianism, my 11th year of seperatedness, an anniversary marked by the split of those someone very close to me.
baking cupcakes to soothe is the demeter inside.

i remember you and me used to spend the whole goddamn day in bed.

it is not falling apart, it is drying herbs in your kitchen and talking to the first years about hair.

it is love, but the endless distance is the beginning of difference.
i understand.

Thursday, January 29, 2009



a small part in my series on substance habituation
drawing this / writing this actually didn't take me as long as i originally anticipated.
my speed [har har] astounds me
i'm trying to get this on the primary level - i'm avoiding scientific records and data and attempting to make my own sources - all anonymously, of course.
i'm saving the spam in my box because for some convenient reason i'm on some pharmaceutical listserve.
dead mellotron is the best spam i ever heard, i tells ya.

here are some other lovelies i've done

a brooch on etsy

burgundy jellyfish brooch

a small mock up for my traveling show

wax ii

speaking of shows, you're going to have to wait a little longer before anyone sees me in one. something tells me i should just not even adhere to the hipsterism of galleries in mtl - i would love to see a show that DOESN'T ooze pretentious annoying. <---- this is why you'll never see me at a vernissage. a] large groups of people in rooms make me extremely anxious b] i dislike talking with peope if only to 'network' and have them add you on facebook and never talk to them again c] i unfortunately can't be bothered to see what 'my contemporaries are up to' because i just see the same thing over and over again.
rejection makes me bitter SO BITTER. i dislike attempting good ideas, applying, submitting, waiting, and being rejected. it's a no-win situation. it gets me writing and making but so far i've applied to many shows to no avail. i'm 22 and already i'm tired of sucking at what i love doing. i'm upset over it because i took it personally. i love love this piece now and wanted to have it seen as i do. there are pieces of me in there [really, physically!] - maybe they just couldn't handle it's fierceness? who cares why. it's done, there's nothing i can do other than make some more to for people to dislike. TOO BAD.
the streets will always eat my art. it's a solo show everyday of the week!

i actually DID leave the house today - we made the conscious effort to hear alessandro cortini lecture about his owesome modulator. it seems the only 'shows' i do see have very little to do with my 'scene'. i figure if i'm going to go out in the MTL snow it may as well be something i've never seen / heard before. i spend 12+ hours per day with fibres, sculpture, and text. there is more to life than that. at least i sure hope there is.

for anyone in the MTL area who enjoys electroacoustics, i would highly recommend seeing cortini's show. it's this friday [the 30th] at the oscar peterson concert hall. not only is he a really cool guy, but DAMN he sure knows how to oscillate.

here is some summer '07 cloud love to get you through the end of january.

clouds 1

Monday, January 26, 2009


so, i have finally decided to piece together my etsy shop
it goes slowly and i only have 3 things for sale at the moment, but in the next few days i'll be adding more - jellyfish brooches, glamosaurus sex paint by numbers, more prints, more sculptures, maybe some drawings.
any ideas? i am a major in fibre art but i consider my selves much more miscellaneous than that. if you guys out there in the internet world want to see more or less of anything, please let me know! you are all so fabulous with your love!

cold i

Saturday, January 24, 2009

if the cell that holds me, breaks me....

nothing is finished but everything is in motion.
no matter how slightly, with my myriad of technical difficulties
nothing is going according to plan
i try to not let that stop me
but holy moses. coming home from the studio
is not how i thought it was going to be.

dont you ever ever ever trust my mercy

i only printed 1.5 metres, but considering as it is a CMYK separation, i'm not beating my selves over the head with it.
the hexagonal outline reads

dont you ever ever ever trust my mercy

the mobius strip reads

if the cell that holds me, breaks me, it'll be hard to hold

i feel i should change the concept of this blog,
as it seems that everything i say or make
is my own visual representation
to the obsession
of other people's music
swimming in new directions

speaking of new directions

coral hand

this has no direction, no concept, no reason. i am making them because i do not know how not to.

everything i have been thinking making or saying has been feeling very trite. there is only one way i can overcome these past 4 years, and i am very very afraid.

ouroboros // the mars volta

It appears to me
quoting alarms
guillotine smirks
In your house I smothered

Sight unseen
Sworn to harm
Ground to a powder
And soaked through the board

Don’t you ever, ever, ever trust my mercy
Don’t you ever, ever, ever trust my mercy

When will you flirt with all that’s burning
Keep them safe and by your side

Of all that’s left
A lucid home
Anecdote settles
In the smear of this corpse

If the larvae speaks
Ask where to go
They mount the maker
With a sulphur in fume

Don’t you ever, ever, ever trust my mercy
Don’t you ever, ever, ever trust my mercy

When will you flirt with all that’s burning
Keep them safe and by your side

Of all the warnings that you gave me
With all components in the fault

Have you ever heard me scraping it will be hard to hold

Don’t you ever, ever, ever trust my mercy
Don’t you ever, ever, ever trust my mercy

When will you flirt with all that’s burning
Keep them safe and by your side

Of all the warnings that you gave me
With all components in the fault

Have you ever heard me scraping it will be hard to hold

All I hear mending the gap
fall in here might not make it back
Call that someone may they hear you
Take me with you It’s not safe in here

And all you ask is why, why, why
And all you ask is why I’m certain
you’re holding on
mirror floats to the surface [holding on]

Of all the warnings that you gave me
With all components in the fault

Have you ever heard me scraping it will be hard to hold

Of all the warnings that you gave me
With all components in the fault

Have you ever heard me scraping it will be hard to hold

They lost the presence they were holding
Looks like the tenants flickered off
If the cell that holds me breaks me
It’ll be hard to hold

Thursday, January 15, 2009

i can light an alter for them

like extracting blood from a stone, and pulling firmly rooted teeth
execution in record timing - a snappy 6 days! i don't think i've ever worked this quickly, considering the myriad of complications i've endured.
it is a traditional pagan prayer for the overcoming of substance addiction, a theme i will be exploring more fully over the next little while. it reads

out of the blood, and into the marrow
out of the marrow, and into the bone
out of the bone, and into the skin
out of the skin, and into the hair
out of the hair, and into the sea

white, red, and black embroidery with red hair couching and fingernail applique.

i can light an alter for them

i am hoping to combine my 2 distinct styles - the creepy [the white, the red, and the black] with the colour [2 rainbows collided in your body]

the inspiration behind this particular piece?
xiu you.
dangerous you shouldn't be here // xiu xiu

a witch has come from under the ocean
and with a pointed and sharp finger
snatched my baby by the crook of her jaw
and hooked her breath away
and bloated and cut her soft,
dearest skin and face
her hair has gone from black to green
she used to complain when I used
too much water to wash her hair
I can't imagine what it was like for her
to have died swallowing the sea
I want to pause and offer
your lonely grave farewell but it is covered in mud
it is nowhere there is no way
to light an altar for you
everything is too wet
tight around my neck
tie me with this rotten wire
that snaps its quiet snap
I've poured my life into this world and here I am

again, another submission. the deadline looms.

Friday, January 9, 2009


01siphonophorgasm in progress

the latest, third, and final instalment of the jellys before they disperse to their new homes in various places around the globe. currently ~2 meters hanging from the ceiling, half a meter in circumference. needs more. siphonophorgasm.

from this, as i learned from the ever lovely other heather

Heather J- / heather utah
Miscellaneous artist in training
6 january 2009

"What we cannot speak of we must pass over in silence." - Wittgenstein.

subconscious passive human longing comforting obsessive reflective text textiled tiled dominating digital analog imaginary real crafting spellcrafting multiple textured coloured needy incubating illuminating illuminati exposed free public private silent.

ILHU Scout Project

I propose to start a skill sharing secret society. the ilhu scouts, concerning the importance of individual strength as a part of a larger system. Like and unlike many other skill sharing organizations, the ilhu scouts aim to establish and maintain a private sphere surrounding the intimate act of creation. While my own creative background is largely self taught in needlepoint and other miscellaneous craft and artistic practices, I encourage proficient technicians to share their knowledge with a willing student. Despite my own emphasis on secrecy, scout members may choose to be public about their membership and are encouraged to recruit other like-minded people. It is my sincere desire to be a healthy, productive member of my community in the only way I know how. The ilhu scouts are dedicated to the solidity of individuals and individualism in order to solidify a community based on unique, ethical, and proactive beings.

The idea of a society as a small number of people sharing a very specific technical knowledge and passing onto an attentive audience is the 'secret" in secret society as the going-ons of the other members is largely unknown - it is my intention that the ilhu scouts will never assemble as a single unit. But as with the scouts, there are 'badges' that could be potentially earned should one choose to be an 'active' rather than 'passive' member. Active members recruit others to join the skill sharing network; as each member has their own particular strengths and secrets to be passed onto others to benefit. Another role that active members play in badge activities is to learn a new skill and in turn teach a fellow scout member, actively participating in the circular motion of creativity. Passive members are full members of the scout committee but may chose to or not teach another a skill but may participate in the creative process with another as an 'energy booster'. In my practice, I have found that i more productive with another person engaged in creation in the same room than i am alone. By working in pairs or in groups in no more than 4, crafters stimulate others while engaging themselves in other passive communal actions; dialogue, musical appreciation, laughter, or silence. Each badge is designed and made by heather utah and badge recipient. All badges and badge themes are negotiable as this list is based solely on the principles and skills of one person and may be expanded, changed, or specialized.

The non-exclusivity of membership ensures that any person regardless of spiritual, political, sexual, or cultural interests. I intend to create a group of people bound together by the love of the physical and psychological benefits of creative actions. In return, I only ask of the ilhu scouts to treat their fellow people with equal respect while engaging in virtual non-violent behavior to all forms of life, human, animal, and vegetal, and of all property. The scouts are to attend their specified workshops out of their own freewill and are in no way bound to the ilhu scouts. There is no hierarchical structure between active and passive scouts. Although i have started this group, i do not hold any more or less power to change or expand the scope of the group - in fact, the ilhu scouts may be incarnated differently with each scout pair and may share their own ideas as long as the actions contain no malevolent or negative intent. Materials are to be provided by the recipient crafter. If they are serious enough about learning and mastering a new skill they should be willing to invest supplies as well as energy into it.

Activities may include
craft skills
technical skills
outdoor activities

Subject to change in regards to the needs and abilities of the individual scouts.

Other themes include personal and cultural symbolism, the examined self, public and private space, community service, leadership, and craftsmanship.
The ilhu scouts are currently being conducted out of my own home, but workshops may take place in the homes of scouts and I am currently seeking a temporary space for public display.

Selected Sources of Research and Inspiration

Benjamin Walter. The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction.

Bishop, Claire. Antagonism and Relational Aesthetics.

Bourriaud, Nicolas. Relational Aesthetics. Les Presses du reel. 2002.

Girl Guides of Canada.

The International Order of the Rainbow for Girls

Kloosterman, Jaan. Secret Societies : A Very Short History. International Institute of Social History.

Janoff, Reverend Callie. A Sermon. The Church of Craft.

Jung, C G., ed. Man and His Symbols. Dell, New York: 1977.

Philips, Adam. On Kissing, Tickling, and Being Bored. Harvard University Press, Massachusetts: 1993.

Secret Men's Business

Storr, Anthony. Solitude. Harper Collins, London, 1997.

planet earth is blue and there's nothing i can do.

Monday, January 5, 2009

what have you done lately?

inspired by boredom, cartoons, bad movies, and relational aesthetics [as interpreted badly by the author]

the crowd massed quickly on the corner of ste catherines and atwater
my fear ran thick in my throat, i could feel the acid wearing away.
it was cold and grey but not that cold then colder after about 30 mins.
my politic apathy and wild misunderstandings of religion took hold immediately.
death to ANYONE won't get my vote and i am amazed at the intolerance of other people, here! in canada! you give people the benefit of doubt that we are a 'safe' place to be - and we are constantly reminded that this is not the case. i felt that in the heat of an undying hatred and violence towards 2 very different yet fundamentally similar people, i had to placate their energy with my own apolitical activity.
there is no way i could expect anyone to know why i [we] did what we did - i don't even think i get the whole story but i am glad i did. in this serious, serious, world we just had to spend the sunday together doing what we both do best - CARPE DIEM.

the idea behind it all

and rufus truthfist

me being there, smirking even with awful slogans being yelled through megaphones and people carrying faux dead babies around, as if they know exactly what it must feel like to actually hold your dead and bleeding child

what have you done lately?

the trick : partnership is key if pulling off a stunt like this. always have your camera ready. smile a lot, it is confusing to an angry, somber crowd. keep moving especially if cold. don't try to blend in, people might mistake you for having chosen a particular, remain impartial at all times.

and remember : don't listen to a batshit thing anyone has to say about your actions. respect, tolerate. forget anyone who condemns anyone for political / spiritual direction. this is a world where all human life is respected equally. i would love to also say animal but unfortunately this is not the case. take responsibility for your actions throughout. direction is a CHOICE.

The Other Her